Lying Without Lying

The following is a true story:

I was sitting on the tip of a rocket-ship on my way to the moon when I happened to fly up upon a convenience store, and so I decided to stop and buy a soda (it was awfully hot out there among the stars). So I'm in the convenience store buying my soda and who do I see in the candy bar isle but no other than Mr. King of Rock and Roll himself, Elvis. Let me stress that I know that this was, in point of fact, Elvis and not an Elvis impersonator. I know this because it looked like Elvis. Everyone knows that in order to qualify as an Elvis impersonator you have to dress like him and wear your hair and sideburns like him, but you can only bear a ballpark resemblence to him - you are not allowed to look just like him.

I couldn't help but notice that Elvis was purchasing a Good 'N Nutty, which they don't have back on earth. So I said to him, "Good candy bar choice, Evlis." He just kind of smirked and said, "Thank you very much." The deceased King of Rock and Roll actually spoke to me. True story.

OK, now here's the part where I make a point. In case any of you were confused, let me clarify that when I said that it was a true story I just meant that it truly is a story, not that the story is true. This is what I refer to as lying without lying. It's kind of like if you say, "Joe went to the store." But unbeknownst to the person you're saying it to, you mean that Joe went to the store two weeks ago - not that Joe is currently at the store. Currently Joe is digging up the garden looking for worms for fishing.

In the past I have been famous for saying, "I am wielding the uncanny power of imagination" but today I am wielding the uncanny power of deception. Take for example the statement that I just made "I have been famous..." Fact: I have never been famous. That was the uncanny power of deception in action.

Now lest you misunderstand and think that I am just a deceptive and untrustworthy person, let me clarify that I said all of those things in order to make a point. My point is that when Hollywood says that one of their movies is based on something true, they are wielding the uncanny power of deception. They are lying without lying.

Here's how it works: A woman from Idaho has a dream about a bear. So Hollywood makes a movie about a woman having a dream about a bear and how it turns out that the woman is psychic and how the bear is symbolic of the state of California and her dream signifies California taking over the world, which simply just means that Hollywood influences fashions accross the globe. They say that the movie is based on a true story, but When they say, "based on a true story" the true part is simply that a woman had a dream about a bear. Which was really just a pizza dream and had nothing to do with California or Hollywood. But they don't tell you that.

And here's another thing: Hollywood uses different phrases, each of which signify the level of deception that they are using for that particular movie. If they say that the movie is a true story it means that most of it is true, but they did use a measure of artistic license to make it more interesting. If they say "BASED on a true story" it means that a little bit of it is true, but they used a LOT of artistic license. But if they say "Inspired by actual events" it means that the film, before it was edited, had a scene where someone was crossing the street, and somebody, somewhere really did at some point cross the street. But the rest of the story is completely fictitious.

Let me give you an example from real-life politics - something that happened in my lifetime. Please understand that this is not intended to make a statement as to which side of the political fence is the correct one, so those of you on the wrong side, don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just giving a real-life example of this principle in action:

A former President of the United States, during the course of his presidency, had a fling with a certain young lady. Rumors of it started to surface and so he goes on record saying that he did not have a sexual relationship with her. Later still, when the stories could no longer be denied he says, in essence, "OK, I did have a sexual relationship with her, but I wasn't lying before when I said that I didn't." And here's the scary part: He was telling the truth. How can this be? Well, think about it. The man was both a lawyer and a politician - he was a master of the art of lying without lying.

OK, I apologize to those of you who I have just insulted. Let me use a non-political example...

A guy who is not a politician and has no political affiliations whatsoever cheats on his wife (who likewise is not a politician and has no political affiliations whatsoever) with a young lady who also is not a politician and has no political affiliations whatsoever. Hey, wait a second... this would make a great screenplay... I think I'll get started on it right away. It's inspired by actual events, which is pretty cool. But of course, it should be understood that any resemblence in the story to actual persons or events is merely coincidental. And that's the truth.

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