Growing Old Less Gracefully

No matter how old you get there is always someone older telling you how young you are. And those older people will always marvel when you say that you feel that you're getting "so old". I've been noticing that since I was about ten.

But now I have at least some semblance of legitimacy to my claim. Perhaps not on the surface, but if you'll listen to my reasoning then you will undoubtedly understand. That is, if you're not senile.

I just turned 46. Now first of all, I've been told that 46 is not a significant birthday. All of the birthdays that end with zero are supposed to be the significant ones... 40, 50, 60, etc. But here's what is significant about 46. 46 marks the beginning of the transition from mid-forties to late-forties. And late-forties means pushing 50. And we all know what happens in your fifties: Senior discounts. A cruel reminder to those of us who would prefer to remain in denial.

Of course not all restaurants nowadays offer senior discounts to 55 year-olds. In some of them you have to be 60. Now this is what has me really worried. With my luck and this economy, by the time I'm old enough for senior discounts they will have pushed the age back even further. Which means that not only am I getting old, I don't even get rewarded for it.

Me at 60: I'm 60. Do I get the senior discount?
Restaurant hostess: No, you have to be 65 to get the senior discount.
Me at 60: But they passed that new law... they're terminating everyone over the age of 64!
Restaurant hostess: Uhmmm... you'll have to talk to the manager.
Restaurant manager who is only 22 and therefore unsympathetic: Is there a problem here?
Restaurant hostess: This old man wants a senior discount.
Unsympathetic manager: Well, you know the rules. If he's not old enough for the senior discount he doesn't get it. If he is old enough... call the police and have him terminated.
(Restaurant hostess dials 911)
Me at 60: But I'm only 60!

Recently I saw a bumper sticker that says "Old guys suck" and I was actually offended by it. You know you're getting old when young wipper-snappers disrespecting their elders offends you. But I wish that bearer of that bumper-sticker a long life. Actually I hope he gets really old, really fast. That would serve him right.

You do get to a point very late in life (and most people don't ever even live long enough to get this old) where no one can tell you that you're not old. At this age you digress back to a very "youthful" habit. The habit of telling everyone who will listen how old you are. We've all seen the little ones: "I'm four years old! I'm four years old!" People at my age usually won't tell you how old they are. But then something happens... you cross a line and before you know it you're telling everyone you meet, "I'm a hundred and four years old! I'm a hundred and four years old!"

And then there's another similarity that I've noticed between young people and old people. Both groups drive by feeling. I remember driving with my son when he first got his drivers lisence. I remember saying to him, "You better slow down, the speed limit around here is only 40 MPH." And he would say, "Am I going faster than that? It didn't feel like I was going faster than that." Well, that's why you have a speedometer. You're not supposed to gage your speed based on how it feels, you're supposed to look at the speedometer, which hopefully isn't broken. Old people also drive by feeling:

"Grandpa, the speed limit is 40. You're only going 25!"
"How's that? I'm only going 25? It feels like I'm going a lot faster!"

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