Do you know what Disney Channel shows have in common with reality shows? Answer: You have to be able to over-act to be in them.
My young daughter can spend all day watching the Disney Channel. Oh - I'm sorry - did I say she can spend all day watching the Disney Channel? I meant to say that she does spend all day watching it. And after I decide that I can't take any more of young singing stars experiencing a major life dilemma because the cute boy or girl that they like is in love with their teacher instead of them, I decide that it's time to change the channel to a "grown up" show.
So after dealing with the major life dilemma that my daughter goes through because I insist on changing the channel, I settle in to watch yet another heart-warming episode of my favorite reality show, "The Real Trailer Park Dwellers of Hicksville City". From the fire to the frying pan of over-acting.
I tune in just in time to catch cute little trashy outfit wearing Bobbie Sue sitting on her steps crying. Along comes Bobbie Sue's best friend Rita Robbins (who everyone on the show refers to as "Round Ass Rita").
Rita: "What's wrong, Bobbie Sue?"
Bobbie Sue: "Billy spent my entire welfare check on a can of chewing tobacco and now I don't have the money I need to buy the pretty broach that I wanted that goes so nice with my trashy outfit that I wear everyday that I was gonna wear to the shin-dig on Saturday down at the Dive Right Inn."
Those who have been following the show faithfully know that Billy is a despicable character. Not just because he spent Bobbie Sue's entire welfare check on a can of chaw and denied Bobbie Sue her broach; but because for the last eight weeks he has been having an affair with an entire hen house full of hens. And that's not a euphemism... we're talking about an actual hen house and actual hens.
Rita, who knows of Billy's fascination with poultry won't tell Bobbie Sue about it because the last time that a boyfriend of Bobbie Sue's cheated on her with a farm animal, Bobbie Sue sank into a deep depression and locked herself in her trailer for weeks where she did nothing but watch old re-runs of Giligan's Island. Rita couldn't bear the thought of more Giligan's Island.
Then there's Rita's ex-boyfriend, Gawf. His real name is Thaddeus. But they call him Gawf as an abbreviated form of "God-awful", referring to his breath. Rita broke up with him six months ago, but didn't have the heart to tell him and he still doesn't know. She has managed to avoid him for six months through a series of having to work late down at the cafe, having to wash her hair, having to take the dog to the vet to be put to sleep, etc. What Rita doesn't know is that Gawf spent half of his entire paycheck from his job as a bouncer down at the Dive Right Inn on a ring. He plans to ask Rita to marry him. He's just waiting for the season finale to do it.
There are a slew of other characters. There's Bobbie Sue's gargantuan mother Tanya who is in love with one of the roosters from the hen house that Billy frequents. There are Gawf's one dozen small children from his first marriage to a rodeo clown who was also named Rita (Gawf has a thing for girls named Rita). And there's Clinton, Rita's dim of wit cousin who walks through town pretending to be a fire truck.
It’s not really what takes place on this show that bothers me, though. What bothers me is the fairly alarming thought that my own life might actually be worthy of such a show. I have bad dreams about TV audiences out there critiquing and criticizing me the way we all do reality show characters:
“He thinks he’s funny with those blogs he writes,” people would say, “but then he gets all butt-hurt when his kids tease him about the way that he dresses.”
Well, they used to tease me about the way that I dressed... but now plaid shorts with tennis shoes and black socks are actually in style. Go figure. Maybe it wouldn't be such an exciting show after all.
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