Of Aliens, Corn and the Yellow Liquid of Death

Have you ever been laying naked in a corn field right when the aliens show up to do their "burn the weird sign in the corn field" thingy? No, it's never happened to me either. But I think it would be a little awkward. And just thinking about it I think I understand now why some people get abducted by aliens and have sexual experiments done on them.

And speaking of awkward alien abduction scenarios, here's another one that I just thought of: Imagine that the aliens have abducted you and you're strapped to their experimentation table and then... Oh! Gotta go to the bathroom!

How do you ask the aliens if you can use their bathroom? Do they communicate through telepathy, or do you just hope that what with all of the humans they've observed they've picked up a little English? Since they still find it needful to do experiments on us I can only assume that they have not learned all there is to know about us, so I'm guessing they probably haven't bothered learning any of the languages of earth.

But even if you were able to communicate with them, are you sure that they even have a bathroom? After all, these are aliens... we don't know how their systems work. We haven't done any experiments on them (which is kind of unfair, if you think about it). And even if they do have a bathroom, would you know how to use it? Probably not. Going to the bathroom is dramatically different in some cultures right here on earth, what makes you think you would know how to use an alien bathroom? You'd probably be relieving yourself in what you thought was obviously a toilet when some alien runs in wildly waving his long, thin alien arms and emitting a high-pitched screech to get you to stop. No wonder they do weird experiments on us. They're trying to figure out how earth-people produce the yellow liquid of death.

Even if it isn't true, I think it would be a great basis for a science fiction story. Imagine the hero being brought before his nemesis, the alien king. The alien king looks him directly in the knee caps and says, "Tell us how you do it, earth creature!"

"How I do what?" the hero responds, boldly staring at the alien king's genitals.

"Don't be coy with me" says the alien king. "How do you produce the yellow liquid of death? Our top scientists have been unable to produce a synthetic duplicate of it that has its effects."

"And what are its effects?" queries the hero.

"We call it the yellow liquid of death," replies the alien king, "what do you think the effects are? It gives us softer, smoother skin."

Actually, I think it's a necessary ingredient in the stuff that they use to burn their weird alien signs into the corn fields. Which is another reason you don't want to be laying naked in a corn field when the aliens show up.

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