Once again I am going to wield the uncanny power of imagination to make a point, so sit back and relax and imagine that you're sitting back and relaxing. Got it? OK, now imagine that you're watching TV. You're watching America's Next Something-Or-Other... doesn't matter exactly what. Top Model, Food Network Star, Pig Farmer - whatever.
OK, so on this show you have a group of people who are jockeying to be the best of the best at whatever they do or whoever they are. And they are promised that if they win they will have fame and fortune and be a bright shining star in the midst of a vast sea of dimly lit candles.
The group of people dwindles down week after week until it finally comes down to two hopefuls. Naturally you have your favorite. And what happens if your favorite wins? Well then they take that person, pack them in a crate, ship them off to who-knows-where and stick them in a warehouse full of winners from previous seasons where they are never seen or heard from again.
OK, did you imagine all of that? Now here's the funny part: it's not imaginary. That's pretty much the way that it really works. In fact I think some of these shows actually make contestants sign a contract agreeing to spend the rest of their life hiding under a rock somewhere if they win.
How else do you explain all of the so-called "top" models who disappear into oblivion? And other shows like it where the winners apparently get carted off to another galaxy to live out the rest of their lives being the super-heroes on someone else's planet? At least it could explain what happens to all of those missing socks. People borrow the socks before going on to these shows, and then when they disappear, so do the socks.
Of course not every show of this nature operates in this fashion; there's always American Idol, the show where even the runner-ups go on to have a real career. But I don't think top models are allowed to audition for American Idol as it would violate the clause in their contract that says that they have to live out the rest of their lives in obscurity.
OK, I admit it. I'm lying about the obscurity clause. They might still be allowed to win local talent shows - providing no more than 30 people are present. Unless it's at a family reunion, in which case 34 people can be present. At least I think that's the way it works. But then I also think that the TV sends out waves that interact with the synapses in your brain in such a way that you forget all of these contestants once the season is over.
Yeah, you heard me right. That's why I'm auditioning for a new show: America's Next Top Conspiracy Theorist.
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